Letting Go. 1/12/19

If you know me well, you know that living in New Jersey for 3 1/2 months in 2018 was extremely difficult for me and probably the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Even though it was miserable, I know that that those 3 1/2 months were crucial to my life because they taught me two of the most important lessons I’ve ever learned. I hope that my story and knowledge can help and enlighten anyone who’s going through a rough transition right now or in the future. My heart goes out to you.<3

My entire life I’ve been a person who doesn’t like to let go of happy memories or people/relationships that I love. I hug on so tightly to them, I pour my heart out into them  to the point where I still try and live through those memories or pretend the relationships I love most are still right there with me. It’s a coping mechanism, but it isn’t always healthy and it’s made me a very exhausted and sad person at points in my life. For those of you who don’t know, I grew up in Cincinnati OH from 6th grade through the end of 10th grade. The relationships and memories I made there were crucial to my life and growing up. In July of 2018 we moved to New Jersey for my dad’s new job in NYC.

It was Extremely hard and painful to leave half way through my high school years,leaving everything I knew and loved behind. In the end I really tried to not to show how sad I was. Metaphorically I forced myself to hide in a cocoon and I convinced myself that as soon as I moved I’d become this new Butterfly who could fly free and happy with a new life. But shortly after moving I realized how hard my life was about to become and how badly I just wanted my best friends! Shortly after settling in our new house I found myself trying to vicariously live through my life in Cincinnati. Trying to maintain all the relationships I had and stay involved with everything. I didn’t want to admit that I had ever moved in the first place. I didn’t even realize how unhealthy this was for me until half way through our time in New Jersey.

Waking up everyday felt like a punch in the stomach. Trying to live two lives became so exhausting. I became so unhappy and miserable. I then started to see a Therapist who shared my same spiritual beliefs and that’s when I realized I was making my life a living hell. I realized that it was a pattern in my life and that it was simply a mindset that I could change. I started praying and believing that somehow my life would get better. That’s when My family and I moved to NYC. Moving here was like being able to come up to the surface and breathe again. It was like putting on new glasses and being able to see clear. Learning to let go of relationships and a life I no longer was apart of, set me free from all the chains I was carrying everyday. I really felt alive and free for the first time in months.

I think in life there’s always this pressure to keep around lots of friends and to have lots of relationships so you don’t look “lonely”, and it’s also extremely hard to except change and be open to it when change involves leaving what you love. But I think it’s so important for us as humans to know that it’s healthy and perfectly ok to let go of relationships that aren’t healthy or benefiting us anymore. This ties into the last important lesson I learned in New Jersey.

A quote that really defines what I learned is “You treat them like they have a heart like yours, But not everyone can be as soft and as tender. You don’t see the person they are, You see the person they have the potential to be. You give and give till they pull everything out of you and leave you empty.” -Rupi Kaur. I really resonate with this quote because it’s a part of who I am. It’s what I’ve struggled with for along time. My therapist taught me that there are two types of people in this world, “Givers” and “Takers”. She helped me see that I was a giver who tended to pour into others who didn’t pour back into me. This gave me a similar feeling as the first lesson, feeling empty and sad when I let myself follow this pattern with relationships.

When I started a new high school in New Jersey I walked in seeing the potential that everyone would be friendly and kind, not the people they actually were. And for that one week, those 5 days, I poured myself out into all those new faces to get nothing in return, to feel hopeless and empty. I felt like I didn’t belong. Just like I and you don’t belong in a relationship with people who take everything out of your cup while you pour everything into their cup. It’s sometimes really hard to let go of relationships like these, but when you stop pouring yourself into empty cups, you’ll notice how much more you have to give to important people and how much happier you can be:).

Thank you for taking the time to Read my blog, It means more than you know! Sending lots of love and happiness everyone’s way<3

-Gracie

Current/Favorite Winter Outfits 12/20/18

Welcome Back to my Blog!<3 Today I’m sharing a few different casual and fancy outfit ideas for the winter! I hope it provides some inspiration! Much Love- Gracie<3.

Look # 1 “Casual and Colorful”

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Colorful Sweater = Zara

Mom Jeans = Forever 21

Shoes= Air Force ones

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Explanation/Advice: This look is very casual yet very happy and bright! Most people associate bright colored clothing for only the spring or summer, but I think it’s fun to wear colors all year round especially when the weather is dark and gloomy.  The light washed jeans make the colorful sweater pop and the white, bright sneakers make the light jeans pop. So overall you can have a bright yet simple outfit.

Look #2  “Glam & edgy”

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Shirt= Golfwang.com

Fur coat = Thrift store

ripped mom Jeans= Urban outfitters

Beanie= urban outfitters

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Explanation/Advice: This has to be one of my favorite outfits because it mixes my two styles together! Edgy and Glam seem like two complete opposite styles but they are easy and super cute to pair together. Any pair of ripped jeans especially mom jeans give the look it’s edgy feel. Beanies are also super trendy and cheap right now. Finding the right color beanie that will pop with your hair color is important too!  I wore a shirt that added some extra color but any tee shirt that coordinates with the jeans works too. Lastly to add the “glam” element I added my fur coat. Fur coats can be pretty pricey but most thrift stores right now have pretty cheap and great fur coats!! You can also check out “zaful.com” for cheap fur coats too. Adding some pretty jewelry and a dark colored lipstick can add more glam to the look.

Look #3 ” Comfy and Classy”

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Black Turtle neck = Old navy

White Sweater= T.J max

Orange pants= Old navy

Black flats= H&M

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This outfit looks sophisticated but also looks comfy and classy! Again the orange pants add a pop of color and sometimes putting two dark colors together can balance the outfit out. In my opinion black turtle necks look so flattering on anybody and mine is a staple that I wear all the time. The fuzzy sweater is also a staple I think anybody could use because it can match with almost any outfit! With this type of look I think the shoes could make or break the outfit. The flats add the sophisticated feel to the outfit but you could add a pair of white sneakers to give a more laid back feel or even add black heels to dress it up!

Look #4 “Fun and Fancy”

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Leather jacket= Tommy Hilfiger

Polka dot shirt = Forever 21

Denim skirt = Target

Belt= Urban Outfitters

Boots= Blundstone USA

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Explanation/Advice: First off EVERYBODY needs a black denim skirt and a leather jacket in their closet because you can always pair those two with anything and look like a million bucks!! I love this outfit because you can dress it up or dress it down. It doesn’t have much color but sometimes wearing a lot of black looks super fancy and edgy. I think the polka dots make the outfit more playful so adding any type of pattern to an outfit like this is also a good idea. Lastly by adding a Belt or any other accessories, it makes the outfit extra and fun!

Look #5 “Professional & Playful”

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Shirt= Calvin Klein

Pants= Zara

Blazer= Thrift Store

Neck Scarf= Thrift Store

Boots= Blundstone USA

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Explanation/Advice: This outfit is so fun and playful and one of my favorites because it looks very professional but also super trendy and colorful! These Gingham pants are in almost every store now so they are super easy to find and they make any outfit look professional. Any black or white shirt will pop with the Gingham pants. Blazers are also very trendy now and you can dress them up or dress them down as well. I’m obsessed with bright colored blazers because you can add them to any black or white outfit and look amazing! Blazers are another piece of clothing that thrift stores have a great selection of. This one is vintage from the 80’s which you can easily find at a thrift store! Lastly the neck scarfs/ handkerchiefs got super popular over the summer and they look so fun with most outfits!! Thrift stores usually  have a super great and cheap collection of them!

11/11/18 Breathe.

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It’s Saturday afternoon, I’m sitting on a little hill with a view of mountains, fall colors, the ability to just breathe and a sunset in Connecticut. It’s always so amazing and weird to leave the city and be in nature and quiet. You never get quiet in the city, life never slows down. So sometimes I forget that there’s another slower life out there. Lately I’ve noticed myself daydreaming all the time about my life in the future. What college I’ll go to, where I’ll live, what job I’ll have, I have ideas and dreams of what I want but as I’ve learned very well, nothing turns out the way you think it will. I feel like i’m in this weird holding point until my life seems like it will really start, once i leave home. Junior year is weird because you start really thinking about your future and you feel so close to it, like you can almost just reach it but you aren’t quite there yet.

Every day I take the subway to school. I’m squished between people on every side of every race and every background and social class and that’s when I feel most away from home but also the most grown up. If you can navigate the NYC subway system and feel comfortable enough to take it all the time you might just be ready for whatever life throws at you. Some of my scariest moments have been on the subway but some of the most beautiful moments have been on the subway. When you catch a baby smiling at you or you get a chance to just close your eyes for a minute and take a deep breath or my favorite, watching a person who doesn’t have much give what little they have to a person begging for money. That will easily bring you to tears.

Another amazing thing about NYC is that almost everyone comes to perform here. Ellie and I went to see one of our favorite bands “LANY” last weekend. I’ve found that when i’m at a concert hearing the music that i’ve listened to in my ear buds 100 times or the music that has gotten me through the hard times and good times, that’s when i’m most happiest. Music is so spiritual and influential in my life, I don’t even think i’d be the person I am today without it. So the fact that I have these opportunities to hear live music is something i’m so thankful for. Three of my favorite songs right now that help me meditate or just stop and breathe that I highly recommend are “To build a home” by The Cinematic Orchestra, “Revelation” by Troye Sivan and “Ballad of the dying man” by Father John Misty. Taking walks through the Upper West side and listening to this beautiful music is what really helps me get through these tough times.

I think some days it really just feels like a race to the finish line. The day I have my dream job, a perfect life partner, a family, a filled up passport, etc. Somedays dreaming about that future life I think is good because it motivates me to work hard, it brings me joy and it helps me block out all the negative energy knowing how successful I can be one day. But some days I think we all have to remember that it’s not a race. It might be hard right now but you are going through your current journey to help prepare you for the next Journey. I’ve been thinking about how fast life goes. One day you might look back on this moment and really wish you could go back to it.

So don’t take anything for granted, slow down, enjoy the life you are living and just BREATHE.

 

10/22/18 When The Story Ends

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“Why Is It That When The Story Ends We Begin To Feel All Of It” -Rupi Kaur

I’ve struggled with this my whole life. I’ve struggled with learning how to be happy with my memories and experiences with people instead of being sad that it’s over. One of my least favorite parts of life is going through days or weeks or even years of missing moments, people and wishing you could have something you can’t have. As of right now I have a love/hate relationship with New York city. I love the views, I love feeling so free as I walk down the big streets wearing whatever I want. But I hate that it’s taking so long to find a purpose and belonging here. It’s ironic that I feel the most lonely in the biggest city in America. I recently went back home to celebrate my birthday. I have the best friends in the entire world back home which just makes this even harder. As I walked to my gate in the airport Sunday night, my life felt like a sad scene in a movie. I was listening to “Bad religion” by Frank Ocean as people passed me by. I walked fast but everything seemed to be going slow, because the only thing that mattered was what I was leaving behind. You haven’t felt awkwardness until your squished between two men having a mini panic attack, holding back tears on an airplane haha.

There’s the pain of sadness, but no one prepares you for the pain of heartbreak. You can’t be prepared for the physical pain you feel in your heart. It feels as if your heart is drowning in it’s own blood as it slowly breaks apart. Heart break comes in all shapes and sizes and leaving home this weekend was mine. My favorite quote of all time is “What is stronger than the human heart which shatters over and over and still lives.” In a way our hearts are like newborn babies and we will do anything to protect our hearts from the big scary world. But then our hearts grow up like babies grow up and we can’t always stop it from getting hurt or broken, and we can’t control who our heart’s meet and who touches our hearts and souls for better or for worse. But we do know, no matter how many times our heart’s shatter they still live, they just grow stronger. Sometimes we have to put band aids and boundaries on our hearts to fix them again just like children. Sometimes you have to stack on the band aids while your heart is healing. It hurts to rip the band aids off when it’s time. But we have to believe and trust that the right people will help us rip the band aids off fast so that our hearts can love again. Thats the way I’ve learned how to heal. 

This post was personal and raw. But I do this because if at least one person can relate or become inspired by my writing than I’ll be happy.

-All my love -Gracie.

10/9/18 My Story

IMG_2127As an almost 17 year old, I’d like to think I’ve lived a lot of life, or that I have all the answers, but I don’t, at least not yet. In my 17 years on this earth, I’ve lived in a lot of places,  I’ve met a lot of people,  I’ve experienced high and low points, I’ve picked up some pretty amazing friends, and I’ve learned a lot. Although, in my 17 years of life I’ve never experienced what I’m going through now. For so long I believed my story began October 18th 2001, but now I’m realizing this year, this transition, and this move is only the beginning to the Gracie Story. I started this Blog to take you all along on my adventure and share with you my love for life, traveling, fashion and writing.

Everything up to this Point:

Now that you know why I’ve started this Blog, I’ll share a little bit about my life before the move to New Jersey/New York. I was born In Indiana and I was brought into this world by the two greatest people I’ve ever met (aka my parents). They lived in a little apartment above a garage, my dad was a youth group leader and my mom worked as an office assistant, so it’s kinda crazy how 17 years later we’ve landed in NYC. Shortly after I was born, my parents had my sister Ellie. Not sure how they raised two kids 16 months apart but they did! Then when we were just toddlers my parents packed up our lives and we moved all the way to Los Angeles, California. This was the beginning of my childhood always being on the move. We lived in California for a less than a year, and then it was time to move again. We moved to Nashville Tennesse for three years where I spent my time running around in pink cowboy boots and going to Grand Ole Opry shows almost every weekend. But after a short time, we knew it was time to move back to the small town of Fort Wayne Indiana where all of our family lived.

I spent kindergarten through 5th grade in Indiana playing barbies with my sister, having dreams of going to a local college, and growing up a small town girl. For six years that’s all I knew and all I wanted but I wouldn’t be the person I am today if we wouldn’t have left safe and small Indiana. One day towards the end of 5th grade, my dad got offered a job to be a proffesor and teacher at Xavier University in Cincinnati Ohio. I didn’t even have to think twice about moving this time. All I knew was that Cincinnati was bigger than Fort Wayne and that sold me. So here we were again saying goodbye to friends and family, packing up our life and moving four hours down to Cincinnati. Long story short, moving to Cincinnati was the best thing that ever happened to me. I met my best friends in the entire world, went to an awesome Montessori school, and joined a killer youth group. We started fostering a 2 year old girl who became my 2nd sister and I had many opportunities to travel to places like the Bahamas, Utah, Church camp, and China. I could genuinely say I loved my life. Yes there was some low points because what high schooler doesn’t have low points, but by the second semester of sophomore year I was having the time of life.

All my friends could drive so I spent all my weekends with my friends, I had a job and I was starting to feel like I was finding my passions like fashion, politics, women rights and volunteering. But then one spring day in March I was on a hike with my friends when my dad called me, and little did I know my life was about to change forever. A few weeks before this day he went to NYC to do work with a company, but we all just figured it was just a project he’d work on from home. But when he called me, he told me he was offered a job, his dream job, which meant we would be moving to NYC. I remember crying right after that. Tears of excitement because “OH MY GOSH NYC!!” but also tears of sadness because I would have to leave the life I was falling in love with behind. For the rest of sophomore year I went through phases of being really excited and then phases of being really sad and angry. But then things started to change for me. For most of High school I really struggled with self identity and self love. But after my trip to China in June, something clicked for me. I felt love for myself and for my surroundings like never before.  Experiencing another part of the world gave me the chance to see a side of myself I had never seen before, and gain a new perspective on life. I had a really clear vision of who I wanted to be. I’m forever grateful for that because it prepared me for the biggest change in my life, and it’s shaped the person I am today. With all that to say, The move has been HARD. It’s been hell to feel so isolated from my best friends. We decided to move to a suburb outside of the city in New Jersey for a better school, but things haven’t worked out at all. It’s almost like I’ve been in this transition period for three months and its been the toughest time of my entire life. But as we pack up and move to South Harlem NYC in just a few days, I have this beautiful feeling that my story is just about to begin, and that everything I just told you about my life was preparing me for this moment. This next chapter is a big one and I can’t wait to take you all along.

– Gracie