10/22/18 When The Story Ends

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“Why Is It That When The Story Ends We Begin To Feel All Of It” -Rupi Kaur

I’ve struggled with this my whole life. I’ve struggled with learning how to be happy with my memories and experiences with people instead of being sad that it’s over. One of my least favorite parts of life is going through days or weeks or even years of missing moments, people and wishing you could have something you can’t have. As of right now I have a love/hate relationship with New York city. I love the views, I love feeling so free as I walk down the big streets wearing whatever I want. But I hate that it’s taking so long to find a purpose and belonging here. It’s ironic that I feel the most lonely in the biggest city in America. I recently went back home to celebrate my birthday. I have the best friends in the entire world back home which just makes this even harder. As I walked to my gate in the airport Sunday night, my life felt like a sad scene in a movie. I was listening to “Bad religion” by Frank Ocean as people passed me by. I walked fast but everything seemed to be going slow, because the only thing that mattered was what I was leaving behind. You haven’t felt awkwardness until your squished between two men having a mini panic attack, holding back tears on an airplane haha.

There’s the pain of sadness, but no one prepares you for the pain of heartbreak. You can’t be prepared for the physical pain you feel in your heart. It feels as if your heart is drowning in it’s own blood as it slowly breaks apart. Heart break comes in all shapes and sizes and leaving home this weekend was mine. My favorite quote of all time is “What is stronger than the human heart which shatters over and over and still lives.” In a way our hearts are like newborn babies and we will do anything to protect our hearts from the big scary world. But then our hearts grow up like babies grow up and we can’t always stop it from getting hurt or broken, and we can’t control who our heart’s meet and who touches our hearts and souls for better or for worse. But we do know, no matter how many times our heart’s shatter they still live, they just grow stronger. Sometimes we have to put band aids and boundaries on our hearts to fix them again just like children. Sometimes you have to stack on the band aids while your heart is healing. It hurts to rip the band aids off when it’s time. But we have to believe and trust that the right people will help us rip the band aids off fast so that our hearts can love again. Thats the way I’ve learned how to heal. 

This post was personal and raw. But I do this because if at least one person can relate or become inspired by my writing than I’ll be happy.

-All my love -Gracie.

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