If you know me well, you know that living in New Jersey for 3 1/2 months in 2018 was extremely difficult for me and probably the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Even though it was miserable, I know that that those 3 1/2 months were crucial to my life because they taught me two of the most important lessons I’ve ever learned. I hope that my story and knowledge can help and enlighten anyone who’s going through a rough transition right now or in the future. My heart goes out to you.<3
My entire life I’ve been a person who doesn’t like to let go of happy memories or people/relationships that I love. I hug on so tightly to them, I pour my heart out into them to the point where I still try and live through those memories or pretend the relationships I love most are still right there with me. It’s a coping mechanism, but it isn’t always healthy and it’s made me a very exhausted and sad person at points in my life. For those of you who don’t know, I grew up in Cincinnati OH from 6th grade through the end of 10th grade. The relationships and memories I made there were crucial to my life and growing up. In July of 2018 we moved to New Jersey for my dad’s new job in NYC.
It was Extremely hard and painful to leave half way through my high school years,leaving everything I knew and loved behind. In the end I really tried to not to show how sad I was. Metaphorically I forced myself to hide in a cocoon and I convinced myself that as soon as I moved I’d become this new Butterfly who could fly free and happy with a new life. But shortly after moving I realized how hard my life was about to become and how badly I just wanted my best friends! Shortly after settling in our new house I found myself trying to vicariously live through my life in Cincinnati. Trying to maintain all the relationships I had and stay involved with everything. I didn’t want to admit that I had ever moved in the first place. I didn’t even realize how unhealthy this was for me until half way through our time in New Jersey.
Waking up everyday felt like a punch in the stomach. Trying to live two lives became so exhausting. I became so unhappy and miserable. I then started to see a Therapist who shared my same spiritual beliefs and that’s when I realized I was making my life a living hell. I realized that it was a pattern in my life and that it was simply a mindset that I could change. I started praying and believing that somehow my life would get better. That’s when My family and I moved to NYC. Moving here was like being able to come up to the surface and breathe again. It was like putting on new glasses and being able to see clear. Learning to let go of relationships and a life I no longer was apart of, set me free from all the chains I was carrying everyday. I really felt alive and free for the first time in months.
I think in life there’s always this pressure to keep around lots of friends and to have lots of relationships so you don’t look “lonely”, and it’s also extremely hard to except change and be open to it when change involves leaving what you love. But I think it’s so important for us as humans to know that it’s healthy and perfectly ok to let go of relationships that aren’t healthy or benefiting us anymore. This ties into the last important lesson I learned in New Jersey.
A quote that really defines what I learned is “You treat them like they have a heart like yours, But not everyone can be as soft and as tender. You don’t see the person they are, You see the person they have the potential to be. You give and give till they pull everything out of you and leave you empty.” -Rupi Kaur. I really resonate with this quote because it’s a part of who I am. It’s what I’ve struggled with for along time. My therapist taught me that there are two types of people in this world, “Givers” and “Takers”. She helped me see that I was a giver who tended to pour into others who didn’t pour back into me. This gave me a similar feeling as the first lesson, feeling empty and sad when I let myself follow this pattern with relationships.
When I started a new high school in New Jersey I walked in seeing the potential that everyone would be friendly and kind, not the people they actually were. And for that one week, those 5 days, I poured myself out into all those new faces to get nothing in return, to feel hopeless and empty. I felt like I didn’t belong. Just like I and you don’t belong in a relationship with people who take everything out of your cup while you pour everything into their cup. It’s sometimes really hard to let go of relationships like these, but when you stop pouring yourself into empty cups, you’ll notice how much more you have to give to important people and how much happier you can be:).
Thank you for taking the time to Read my blog, It means more than you know! Sending lots of love and happiness everyone’s way<3